One year ago today, I sat on my parents kitchen floor with my head in my hands, trying to decide what to do about this really cute boy I liked.
He'd kissed me on New Years Eve. And I didn't know what to do about it.
But it was his 26th birthday, so I baked him cookies and wrote him an e-mail that I never sent ... until today.
This is (part of) what I wrote:
"I'm sorry for this, another letter I won't send you. More proof of my insanity, I guess.
I don't know what this week has been like for you. I can't imagine, you mysterious man. But what with Jenn and the way she looked at me today and told me that you were excited that I was baking you cookies, and the way Teter seemed so happy about the idea of something happening with us, even after she talked to you about it, makes me think that you were looking forward to seeing how this thing with me would/will turn out.
On New Year's and today, out at lunch, you talk about us doing things together. A Bruce Springsteen concert, St. Patrick's Day, camping, Athens at Halloween. Like you expect or hope me to be around and still involved in your life.
So that's a good sign, right? I mean, I've never been very adept at reading guys, but I'm guessing that means you like having me around, in your life, yes?
I baked the cookies tonight. I told my mother about you. I told Teter and Jenny Wray and grinned when I thought about you. I got spacey yesterday and Cliff wondered where I was zoned out to ... But even with how much I like you and even with knowing you probably feel the same way, this week has been torture for me. I don't know, maybe it's not easy for you, either, but from the outside, it sure seems like it is.
And here I am, a total wreck, because for every happy moment and hope, I also have this struggle that goes on with me. Because I'm not convinced that anything happening with you and I is the RIGHT thing.
I don't know if you can understand this. I mean right for you, as well as right for me.
Maybe you can take relationships lightly. I don't know you well enough to know. Sometimes I wish I could, but I can't. And it makes me an emotional freak and is probably why you're only the second guy I've ever kissed. I hate even talking to you like this because I'm so afraid I'm going to scare you off.
But I guess the question I keep asking myself is 'What is the right thing for us to do in this situation?' I don't want to avoid answering that question, as much as I would love to, and just have fun with you. THAT is one thing I know wouldn't be right. People are too important -- YOU are too important -- for me to just write this off and do whatever I want (which, trust me, includes being with you).
It's like I said before. You said I can't hurt you. I don't want to overestimate myself here, but you said yourself that you just want someone who will be nice to you -- not mean. And not thinking this through, that IS mean to you.
I was right with what I said before, about me going to want you to be different. Maybe you'd want me to be different, too.
What I'm trying to say is this: I'm not going to change either. I'm always going to be the girl who plays board games and bakes and is close to her family and listens to lame pop music and hates crowds and has stage fright. Though maybe the stage fright might fade a little bit. ;) Am I someone you could handle being with?
In spite of that completely terrifying speech I just gave, please don't make the mistake of thinking that because I'm taking so much time to think about this means that I would be this way all the time, about everything in a relationship. If I decide I'm in something, I'm in. I'm not one to continually rethink after I've made a decision. It's just that I haven't made a decision about this yet.
I feel as though I need more information from you. Is what we could (or more correctly, should) be something that you're actually interested in? Because if not -- or if you're more interested in NOT thinking about it, and you believe that me taking this time to think makes me ridiculous and freaky -- then we should both probably just let it go.
Not that it would be easy, mind you. I really like you. For all the reasons I've said and many reasons I don't know how to say.
Well, again, not going to send this to you. I called you tonight. You didn't answer. You didn't answer my texts, either. Maybe that's a good thing considering how wigged out I am right now. I sat on the kitchen floor for a half hour trying to figure out all the things I wanted to say to you before I came upstairs and wrote this; can you believe it? Just sat there with my head in my hands, trying to figure out what the RIGHT thing is to do about liking you.
I'm going to try to let it go for just awhile longer. Hide the crazy, as they said on this one episode of Scrubs. Apparently that's what normal people do at the beginning of relationships.
So I'm going to keep pretending I'm normal. But I won't be able to forever. Sometime I'm going to tell you all this crap and then YOU'LL be wigged out, too, probably. And then watch me never get to hang out with you and Garth and Jenn ever again. Man, that would suck.
All I really wanted to tell you tonight was to watch out, because I told my mom about you and she has Facebook and will probably track you down and friend you to try to keep tabs on me and you.
Also that I baked your cookies and try to figure out what we should do to celebrate your birthday. To celebrate 26 years of Lin in the world. It's way better with you around, that's for sure."
Happy Birthday, Lin. My world is way better with you in it.